Thursday, June 23, 2011
Don't Break the Rules (And God Help You if You Do)
So there are all kinds of rules by which men must abide. These rules are put in place to make our lives easy, peaceful, and worry-free. Most men are aware of these rules, but they choose to disregard them anyway. The most egregious location in which these rules are broken is...the men's restroom. I was standing at a urinal the other day as another man walked into the restroom and took his place at the urinal next to mine. Broken rule number one buddy! Men should never stand at adjoining urinals. There should always be at least one between you and the person next to you. If there aren't any urinals available with space to spare...hold it. You don't need to pee bad enough to break this rule. As if breaking one rule wasn't bad enough; the man then attempted to engage me in conversation a la, "how's your day today, Tim?" What the hell dude? The restroom is not a place for small talk, the asking of favors, or impromptu dance numbers. The restroom is a place to relieve ones bowels, wash ones hands, and get the hell out. I would absolutely love to hear the story of how you raced down Bourbon Street in a Lamborghini Diablo against Chuck Norris or the time you stink palmed the President, but the restroom is not the place for such amusing anecdotes. If you want to strike up a conversation the moment our feet hit carpet outside the restroom door, I'm cool with that. It can wait buddy. Finally, not only did this individual show abysmal disregard for the previous two rules, but he chose to add insult to injury. While inquiring the goings-on of my day, he chose to turn his head and look at me to ask his question. Holy crap! I've been taking care of my restroom business for the majority of my life. I'm pretty sure I don't need your supervision. These rules have been around for thousands of years so that men can live a perfect lifestyle. I'm pretty sure the reason Brutus killed Caesar was because he talked in the crapper. Something to keep in mind the next time you're in a men's restroom.
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Women will hold entire conversations in the restrooms. One of the many differences that little X chromosome holds.
ReplyDelete1. I think I am allowed to talk to you while we are in a men's room together. It has happened at least once.
ReplyDelete2. I only find it weird to talk in the ladies room while I'm peeing if I don't know the person. Honestly, 1 in 3 public toilet visits in my world at least includes something like "Son of a bitch, there's no asswipe in here, could you hand me some?" - I could be asking or responding to that. And once that has gone down, there's usually some venting about how there is never any freaking toilet paper in the ladies....and how awesome it must be to stand and pee and not have to worry about tp.
3. I am a pro at using the bathroom while I'm on the phone. I've even been known to call my sister and say, man, I'm bored on the toilet, what's up. And as sisters go, we even yell at each other from across the house to come over and basically smell the other's dump so we can have a conversation. Perhaps we love each other too much.
My final comment: it is totally creepy to look at a dude's junk while he's peeing. Chicks can get away with junk gazing while a dude is peeing, but dudes should not check out other dudes' business while in the bathroom - or any other time.... unless said junk has been whipped out for inspection - i.e. "Man, I have this weird spot on my dick, check it out and tell me if you think I have the herp." The end.
Please don't ever call me from a bathroom.
ReplyDeleteHahahahahaha okay, fun size!
ReplyDeleteI am laughing so hard...mostly at Casey!
ReplyDeleteCasey, call me anytime! ;-)